I will die if light touches me.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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