is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
