It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
