I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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