you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
