thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
