Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
