My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
