I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
