the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
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