god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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