we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
