that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
