Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
