i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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