They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
