I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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