God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
