11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
