go do what you do best...puke behind churches
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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