i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just want to make out with him forever
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
