I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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