I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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