If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
