its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
