Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
