if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
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