my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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