I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
