two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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