I wish my penis had an off switch
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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