I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
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