I murdered the dance floor call the cops
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
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