She is in my trunk
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
