I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
