Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
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