i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I am never drinking with the goths again.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
