Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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