how do flat chested girls get laid?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
