My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
