Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
