His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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