I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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