my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Green mimosas i think yes
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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