Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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