I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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