clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
