I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
