Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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