It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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