i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
